a long rambler again

My oldest son is very smart (cough cough) and will be able to do whatever he sets his mind to. It's a matter of getting focused and figuring it out---he's already doing that; he'll be fine. My youngest son, who is deaf and was implanted with a cochlear implant at 22 months, is hardly any different than a hearing kid. He's at the top of his class, just recently found out he made it to the county level of the spelling bee; I don't really worry about him. My middle son; my middle son---he has a harder struggle, and sometimes I so mourn for him. Deaf as well, but oh so smart (cough)---from the very beginning he was quick and bright. (okay okay--spoken like a true mom, I know). When he was very small---four, maybe five---he loved numbers. If you asked him how many zeros were in almost any number, he could tell you. He would count them in his head. "How many zeros are in a million?" He would know. "How about ten million?" He would tell you. "How many in a billion? 100 billion? A trillion?" I figured his dad taught him, he figured someone at school had taught him (he was going to a fantastic oral school for the deaf)....but no one had. Somehow numbers just came easy to him. But language was harder. He didn't get implanted until he was 3 1/2, after language development has basically happened for hearing children. Everything had to be spoon-fed to him regarding language and sentence structure and words. He didn't pick up expressions and subtle language nuances through incidental hearing like everyone else does from the moment of birth and even before. So language has been harder, and yet he does amazing. He's made so much progress; he's come so far. I'm sure I can't even know the effort he expends every day, going to school, doing well, listening, trying to piece together what he maybe didn't hear, and on and on and on. I'm sure I can't even begin to know what this process has been for him through the years (I know it's a similar process and struggle for my youngest son as well, but having received the implant so much younger, the work and effort is SO much less). So I marvel at him, at where he is, at what he does. But I also mourn sometimes at where, maybe, he could be if he had been hearing from the beginning. There's so much potential, so much intelligence there----it doesn't seem fair that he should have to struggle. Opportunities missed. School activities and groups he probably would've been a part of if his whole story had been different. And I know. I know there's nothing to be gained in wondering "What if." Nothing accomplished by pondering the end of "If only." And it takes away from what he's accomplished.

I guess more and more I'm aware of this inequity as schoolwork gets harder and more advanced. As writing requirements move beyond the basic into the more intricate. As his peers become involved in various academics groups and activities. It's torture getting my son to get his homework done; there's no way he's going to add on an extra activity. How does one succeed in this world without good and even excellent writing skills? How does one excel without high-level communication skills? If kindness and empathy and care for fellow man was on a par with those other tangible skills, I wouldn't worry at all. He would be president. As it is, I must have trust that I don't need to worry anyway. He is a deaf boy who does almost everything his peers do and he does many of them better than a lot of them do. All parents have a tender part that mourns something, I suppose. It's folly to focus on that, and I want to never take my eye off of all the amazing progress he has made.

And in acknowledgment of my other sons---all I've said here applies to them as well. I don't mean to diminish their own accomplishments, for many of them have been gained through adversity and struggle as well. My oldest son had so many things on his plate when he was little---a mom who was overwhelmed with the care of two deaf babies, so she wasn't always there for him like she wanted and needed to be. Two deaf brothers who sucked up all the attention and energy and resources. Yes, my other two sons have had their own set of struggles too. I guess it's just that their place seems more solid---their opportunity more secure. But life is interesting, isn't it? Sometimes worry is misplaced and just a waste of time. Sometimes things are more solid than they seem. I want to focus on what is great and good, on accomplishment and opportunity. I want to teach my kids to do the same.